The coward’s guide to winning at Call Of Duty Warzone when you’re terrible at it like me

Love Call Of Duty: Warzone.

Love it because it’s a great free bargain for gamers who are often shook down for every penny they have.

Love it because it’s both strategy with the right amount of chaos involved making it a wonderful time.

But I’m also terrible at Call Of Duty: Warzone.

I just don’t have the time to get good. Being an adult sucks sometimes like that. 50/50 gunfights are more like 20/80 gunfights with me and I’ll lose almost every time when squared up against a player of even moderate skill.

But despite being terrible, I can stay competitive and even squeak out the occasional victory.

Here is how you do it. You will not get better this way. This is like eating cheese fries for breakfast while chain smoking and drinking a screwdriver. These tips will help you potentially steal an honorless victory and last longer than you have any business doing so.

Let’s begin.

Run and Hide: This is not camping. Camping implies that you’re going to kill someone. You’re not because you’ll shoot, miss, and get killed anyways. You will wait to jump at the beginning of the game. See where everyone else is going and go the other way. You’ll find yourself a blunderbuss weapon like a shotgun or RPG and find a good location with only one approach point and an easy escape. If you’ve got a claymore or proximity mine, booby trap the entrance or likely path of approach.

Use the gas to your advantage: The gas is your friend. Use it to keep the players that are trying to kill you away. Don’t leave your hiding place until you have to. Don’t fight. If you fight, you’ll lose. Doing this correctly can get you pretty far on a lot of occasions.

Get a vehicle and a trophy system: Competitive players worry about getting their loadout so they can really rack up the kills. You’re not killing anything. What you want is a trophy system that repels explosives and a truck. Put the trophy system on the truck. You’re then going to drive out to a location with a clean line of site and chill. If someone steps to you, you’re going to drive away or you’re going to run over your attacker panicking the entire time. If you find a helicopter get in and don’t come down until you have to.

If you’re on a team, you’re the designated medic and follow instructions: If you’re on a team, listen to what your stronger players are telling you. Also, because you’re not going to kill anyone, your job is to revive your teammates if they go down. If you can prove yourself worthy, they’ll bring you back if you die and you can ride their coattails to victory. Hey, the punter gets the same SuperBowl ring and parade as the quarterback.

During the final showdown give throw anything that explodes at them and don’t stop firing: Sadly, this game forces you to eventually fight. I know. Harsh right? Just spray and prey that you hit them with something. If you get the drop on them run up and melee them to death. If you fire at them you’ll miss and you’ll lose.

Listen. These tactics will extend your life in a game you have no business being competitive in but they do work. Maybe you’re playing COD at a party and want to not be useless. Maybe you’re just tired of dying minutes after you land. The reasons are your own.

But don’t let an obstacle like having no skills keep you from winning this wonderful game.

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