July 24, 2024

Ghosts: The Best Quotes from Season 3

You love Ghosts. I love Ghosts. And together since season one, we’ve been watching it together. This year, life got in the way of me covering it live, but I’m happy to bring together a collection of the funniest lines of the season.

Here we go!

Episode One: The Owl

(Trying to discover which ghost got “sucked off”)

Pete: “Everybody find their suck off buddy!”

Alberta: “Unbelievable. We just solved my murder. What’s a girl got to do to get sucked off around here?”

(About ghost memorials)

Hetty: “It’s been a long time. But we gather, say a few words. Much like a memorial for a living. But there is not much in the way of finger foods because we can’t make finger foods. Or hold finger foods. Or consume finger foods.”

(About an investment)

Trevor: “My friend tried to get me to go in on something called Buffalo Wild Wings. Can’t imagine that worked out for him.”

(About getting ran out of the living room by basement ghosts)

Pete: “This hasn’t been a Club Med vacation for me either. More like Sandals.”

(At Flower’s memorial)

Sam: “It was the only photo I could find on the internet. She was high apparently. And naked. And tried to join the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade”.

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Episode 2: Man of your Dreams

(After Jay gets his TV)

Issac: “The modern transport of goods is truly a marvel. So much efficiency. So few horse deaths.”

Sam: “You guys. Jay has been putting in long hours on the restaurant. He deserves to kick back, relax, watch the Knicks lose in 4K.”

Alberta: “That’s the answer that got Magenta kicked off of ‘Skank Wars’.”

(Watching Jay make spaghetti)

Hetty: “Anyplace would be better than here. A prisoner in your ancestral home. Your kitchen reeking like exotic foods.”

Sam: “It’s spaghetti.”

Hetty: “So many vowels.”

(Confronting Sass)

Pete: “We’re roommates. I tell you everything. You know about my Lonnie Anderson river rafting fantasy.”

(Influencing Jay’s Star Trek dream)

Sass: “The only thing that could save the ship is a Kathy Ireland poster”

(In Jay’s basketball dream after Sass is discovered)

Jay: “Let me guess. Hetty wants a mountain of ghost cocaine.”
Sass: “I mean, that’s not something she would turn down if you could arrange.”

Episode 3: He sees dead people

(Talking about Jay’s sister)

Trevor: “You almost have sex one time with a guy’s sister one time with another guy’s penis and you never hear the end of it.”

(After Beyla arrives)

Beyla: “What’s been going on with the ghosts?”

Jay: “Big, big, stuff. Sass haunts my dreams. Issac and Nigel got engaged. And Flower got sucked off.”

Beyla: “Good for her!”

Alberta:”Solving my murder doesn’t even make the list. You son of a b***”

(Talking about failed marriages)

Pete: “Hey. I never got divorced. Luckily the arrow found me before I found out my marriage was a sham”

Sass: “And I never married the car ghost. Things ended amicably when she decided she wanted to live on the road so she could smell Arby’s”

Issac: “Oh my god. It’s like a sadness duel and they’ve both been shot dead.”


Beyla: “Of all of the things that could have brought us closer together”

Jay: “Turns out it was dating white people that could see ghosts.”

(Talking about a prenuptial agreement Nigel)

Issac: “No one is planning to fail. I’m just planning to stay rich if we do fail.”

(Right after that argument)

Hetty: “Issac. Marriage is a business arrangement. Don’t let love cloud your judgement.”

(Finding out her boyfriend can’t see ghosts)

Beyla: “A little lie? He took me to Minnesota to have dinner with Prince.”

(After Eric breaks his leg)

Trevor: “I recommend some painkillers for him and for you. Put on some Dave Matthews and that’s a good afternoon.”


Trevor: “What does Jay have? Seriously. He plays D&D and has a Chewbacca watch.”

Sam: “Things do crazy things for love.”

Thor: “Yes. I once walked across fiord to attend an orgy.”

Pete: “A fiorgry, if you will” *laughs*

(Talking about the prenuptial again)

Sam: “I think that if you love Nigel that’s all that matters”

Issac: “Spoken like a true poor who didn’t inherit her mansion until after she was married.”

(In conclusion)

Hetty: “Stop wasting your life not sitting around doing cocaine!”

Halloween 3: The Guest Who Wouldn’t Leave:


Sam: “Boom-shocka-laka! This party is going to rock!”

Sass: “I love how she doesn’t even try to be cool around us anymore.”

(At the seance)

Sass: “Remember everyone. Just hold hands and say the chance. Just like last year when we brought back that hot maid who had ghost syphilis”.

Trevor: “Still would have gotten with her.”

(At the Halloween party)

Issac: “Peeeete, want to join us down here? You’re being a real Jon Jay (He was most shy).

Carol: “I’m telling my Darryl Hall story. He hit on me once at a Safeway.”

(After being stuck with Carol)

Pete: “What did I do to the universe? I was a good person. Sure the deck was unpermitted.. but. Is that what this is God? Is this about the deck?”

(Waiting to bring back Flower)

Thor: “Hello? My loins.”

Episode 5: The Silent Partner

(Cold open, taking away Carol’s body)

Hetty: “Pete, how are you feeling?”
Pete: “Well, I’ll admit, I was a little steamed when I learned I was going to have to spend eternity with Carol.”
Hetty: “Because she cuckolded you with your best friend, Jerry.”
Pete: …”Right”
Hetty: “Actually I think it was Jerry who cuckolded you. Carol just cheated.”

(Fighting about money)

Jay: “What happened? Is the ghost that we gave the money to not going to give it back to us?”

Sass: “I mean, you guys aren’t that great at business. You gave ten thousand dollars to a ghost.”

(Talking about the afterlife with Carol)

Sass; “What do we think Carol has in that big purse”
Hetty: “If there is a god, cocaine.”
Sass: “Do they make pizzas that big”
Hetty: “We’ll find out when we look for the cocaine.”

(after Trevor invests Issac’s money)

Jay: “Does that say $200,000?
Issac: “I could buy Delaware twice. Not that I would want to.”

(Lying to Carol about his affair)

Pete: “When the heart wants what it wants, it wants what it wants.”
Nancy: “Well, when your heart wants what’s under this sack, come find me.”

(Talking about his new fortune)

Issac: “Trevor was saying I should invest in something called a Laborghini. He referred to it as a cat magnet, which is something I find fascinating as a man of science.”

(After Jay announces Issac’s table, a table that will remain empty for the ghosts)

Hetty: “What a touching gesture and characteristically stupid business decision”

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Episode 6: Hello Brother

(After getting hit on by Carol)

Pete: “That woman has been on me like a traveler on a Tuesday flight (because Tuesday’s are historically the cheapest day to fly)”

(Talking about Trevor’s brother)

Hetty: “He’s older than my father was when he died of old age.”

Thor: “Very shameful way to die.”

Jay: “Okay, screw it. How about this Jeremy? How about you and I play one game of Super Mega Bowl?”

Issac (learning about dinosaurs): “That sounds like something a brachiosaur would drink water from.”

(Talking about Carol)

Thor: “She also look at Thor most lasciviously. Like a hungry warrior returning from battle, and Thor is bowl of sour ram testicles.”

(Catching the ghosts help Jay against Jeremy in a video game)

Trevor: “Are you cheating?”
Hetty: “No! I was just picking my nose!”
Trevor: “I don’t even think we have boogers. This ends now cheaters.”

(After sleeping with Carol and explaining to Pete)

Thor: “I did this for you. You think this was fun. It was. But nothing wrong with enjoying your job.”

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Episode 7: The Poltergeist

(Meeting a new ghost)

Alberta: “How’s my hat?”
Thor: “Still small and ugly.”

(Talking to Alberta)
Saul: “Come up to my room and smell a glass of wine later.:
Thor: “It a very nice invitation. Thor think about it.”

(Nigel’s bachelor party)

Trevor: “A lap dance is when someone pretending to work their way through college dances and grinds their junk up against your junk.”


Thor: “A lapdance is when someone working their way through school grind their loins up against someone else’s loins”

Trevor: “Hey Sam, we need you to hire a stripper for Issac’s bachelor party tonight?

Sam: “Okay”

Trevor: “Really?”

Sam: “There’s a lot of weirder stuff happening. You caught me on a good week.”

(After Alberta scores with a poltergeist)

Jay: “A guy comes up to the Hudson valley maybe to see some birds and instead he finds himself an unknowing participant in an interdimensional threesome.”

(Breaking up with poltergeist)

Saul: “I just wish I had known sooner before I left Gene. That guy took me to see the northern lights last year. Jay’s taken me to Sonic three times this weekend.”

Episode 8: Holes are bad:

(Going on vacation to escape ghosts)

Sass: “What if there is an emergency?”
Sam: “None of you are alive, what kind of emergency can there be?”
Alberta: “You two enjoy making whoopi without us listening!”

(Explaining how she fell in the well)

Flower: “I was chasing a butterfly and I fell in. The butterfly didn’t fall in because he was flying.”

(Trying to open a drawer)

Trevor: “This is my greatest challenge yet. I’ve pushed but I’ve never pulled. Unless you’re talking about pulling 10’s. T Money!”

(Talking about Patience)

Sass “If you run into a puritan in the dirt. At this point she may be feral. Do not engage.”

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Episode 9: The Traveling Agent

(Discovering Pete can cross the ghost boundary)

Pete: “I’m one of those guys who you tell you can’t do something and I say ‘OK’.”

Hetty: “You can go to far off lands, like west of Michigan.”

Jay: “I see what we got here. We’ve got a Shawshank situation. He’s been here so long he’s been institutionalized.”

(Talking about a fling)

Trevor: “You know what they say about crazy chicks.”
Thor: “Yes, they possessed by Fenrir.”

Thor: “Thor trust Alberta’s brain more than Trevor’s brain, even though Alberta’s brain is covered in ugly hat.”

(Being forced to fight in after dark Deal Club fight club)

Pete: “I’m not meat or fish. Although I am feeling like chicken.”

(When Pete is describing how he got back)

Issac: “Got it. Bus is the big red one with the hose.”
Sass: “That’s a firetruck, man.”

(After Flower finds out Thor wanted to cover up his fling with Nancy)

Thor: “I didn’t want it to come to this, but Thor apologize. Which we all know solves everything without consequence.”

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Episode 10 Issac’s wedding:

(Final arrangements)

Hetty: “Where are we with the music person… the jockey of the discs.”

(One on one)

Sass: “I had a girlfriend. Why can’t anyone remember that.”
Issac: “We do remember. We also remember she left you to smell roast beef.”

(Trying to keep the wedding on track)

Issac: “Now, Nigel, don’t run away. This isn’t the war of independence. It’s just a miscalculation, like when you tried to take Lexington.”

Issac: “Our relationship is sturdy like a trail ox.”
Nigel: “You compare our relationship to a trail ox?”
Issac: “Favorably so. My neighbor traded his daughter for a trail ox, and Old Dusty plowed his farm for 20 years, while the daughter grew up to become a trollop and a drunk. So that was a pretty good trade.”

(after the wedding collapses)

Flower: “Issac. Sometimes people come along that serve a purpose and it doesn’t mean you have to be with them forever. They just help you grow. ”

Alberta: “That was deeply profound, girl.”

Flower: “What did I say?”

Dear fellow fans of Ghosts: If you enjoyed reading these quotes, I’m happy. I enjoyed putting them together. If could help the blog below, it would make sure I could keep writing about it. Thank you

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