Billy Bob Thornton has recently comeback in a big way with Landman, the Paramount Plus hit chronicling the story of Tommy Norris, an on the ground oil production boss who has to manage a multi billion dollar operation while ducking the drug cartels, and keeping his family together. Naturally, he has a lot to say.

Here are the very best quotes from Tommy Norris on Landman:

(After being told by the cartels they don’t want oil drilling)

“Well, wish in one hand and s**t in the other, and see which one fills up first.”

“Okay, here is the deal and it’s the only f****g deal. You don’t f**k with our product, we don’t f**k with yours. Because if you do, we’ll put in a DEA substation right across the f****g street.”

“You sell a product that your customers dependent on. It’s the same. Ours is just bigger.”

“This f*****g job. Secure the lease and manage the people. The first part is pretty simple. The second part will get you killed.”

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(At the plane crash)

“If I reported everything that went stolen around here the whole Permian Basin would be a crime scene.”

“Well, I don’t see any dead drug dealers around here.

Tommy: “Can I build a road over there?”
Walt: “Over there by the drugs and dead bodies? No.”

Walt: “I wouldn’t want to have your job this week.”
Tommy: “S**t, you wouldn’t want to have my job any week, Walt.”

(To Angela on the phone)

Tommy: “Well, it looks like its going to be Monday all day today.”
Angela: “Actually, it will only be Monday once today, Tommy. It’s Friday.”

(About the family business)
Angela: “Well, apple don’t fall far. Don’t it?”
Tommy: “Well, you’re half of the tree darlin, in case you’ve forgotten.”

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(To Monty on the phone)

Tommy: “This is the patch, Monty. An airplane full of drugs getting run over by an oil tanker isn’t news. It’s just another Monday.”

(After cutting a deal to offset damages)

Tommy: “That’s easier than selling p***y at a men’s prison.”
Businessman: “I find that offensive, sir.”
Tommy: “To who? The p***y or the prisoners.”

Businessman: “I can’t wait for the day until you and everyone likes you leaves this place.:
Tommy: “You might want to think that through because if I’m gone, then the oil is gone, and that means the money is gone. And that means you’re gone.”

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(Meeting the boyfriend)

Tommy: “Dakota Lovings. You can’t make that s**t up.”

Tommy: “Are you s*****g me? That son of a b***h with his giant hand on my daughter’s a**.”

Dakota: “Where is my room, Mr. Norris?”
Tommy: “We put you in the junior suite, which is this f****g couch, right here.”

Tommy: “Every once in a while you say things that harken to the other side of your gene pool.”
Ainsley: “Are you insulting mama?”
Tommy: “Yeah, I am.”

Tommy: “Honey, every relationship you have will be a failure. Except the last one. Is this the last relationship you’re ever going to have?”

Ainsley: “How come you’re always right?”
Tommy: “Cause I spent my whole life being wrong. I never forgot the lessons.”

(about Angela)

Tommy: “If she lost the power of speech, I’d marry her again tomorrow.”

Tommy: “Lord, where did my nuts go?”

(On smoking)

Tommy: “Ever been to Japan? The whole country smokes. Ninety year old men sucking on filterless Pall Malls and then doing an hour of Tai Chi in the park. Same thing in China. Same thing in Italy. And they don’t even exercise. All they do is drink wine, eat pasta, and f**k. You know what those three countries have in common? Lung cancer ain’t even in the top ten leading causes of death. So, it ain’t cigarettes, its sugar and s**t like that, that kills you.”

(To Angela)

Tommy: “You know one of the great things about divorce? I don’t have to listen to this s**t. Enjoy the beach. Your t**s look great. And don’t get syphilis.”

Angela: “Where you headed?”
Tommy: “To the strip club.”
Angela: “While our daughter is there?”
Tommy: “Yeah, I meeting her there. I thought it’s time she sees the darker side of life.”

Tommy: “You want to leave Cabo to f**k your ex husband in a house with three roommates? Why would you do that?”

(After cutting off a piece of his pinky finger with a pocket knife)

Tommy: “Look at that. Job done.”

(With Cooper in the hospital room)

Cooper: “If I’m so selfish what does that make you?
Tommy: “A divorced alcoholic with $500,000 in debt. And I’m one of the lucky ones.”

(with an angry cop)

Cop: “This guy has a heck of a mouth on him.”
Tommy: “That’s your wife’s favorite thing about me. Other than my d**k. Have a good day.”

(With the bartender)

Bartender: “Sticking with beer or do you want something stronger?”
Tommy: “I quit drinking. I’ll stick with beer.
Bartender: “You know there is alcohol in that. Right?
Tommy: “It’s a Michelob Ultra. There is more alcohol in orange juice. You watch me drink six of these sons of b******s and I’ll come back here tomorrow night and drink six whiskeys and you tell me if you notice a f*****g difference.”

Bartender: “You want change?”
Tommy: “I can’t believe you said that with a straight face. Of course I want f*****g change.”

(Meeting Rebecca)

Rebecca: “I’d prefer if you didn’t refer to me as the lady.”
Tommy: “Oh, did I guess wrong? I’m so sorry sir. And hats off to the plastic surgeon that shaved that Adam’s Apple.”

(later with Rebecca)

Tommy: “How can I age discriminate against you when you’re in the prime of your life. There are scientist trying to figure out how to stay your age forever. It was meant to be a compliment until you Gen Z’d your way out of it.”

(At the country club with Angela)

Club employee: “You really out kicked your coverage with that one, sir”.
Tommy: “Oh, I didn’t kick anything. I punted that one. Could you bring me an ashtray?”

(The state of US energy speech)

Tommy: “Four hundred feet tall. Their concrete foundation covers a third of an acre and goes down in the ground 12 feet. We use them to power the wells. No electricity out here. We’re off the grid.

Rebecca: “They use clean energy to power the wells? Please Mr. Oilman tell me how the wind is bad for the environment.”

Tommy: “They use alternative energy. There is nothing clean about this. Do you have any idea how much diesel they have to burn to mix that much concrete? Or make that steel and haul that s**t out here? And put it together with a 450 foot crane? You want to guess how much oil it takes to lubricate that f******g thing? Or winterize it? In it’s 20 year lifespan it won’t offset the carbon footprint of making it. And don’t get me started on solar panels and the lithium in your Tesla battery. And never mind the fact that if the whole world decided to go electric tomorrow, we don’t have the transmission lines to get the electricity to the cities. It would take 30 years if we started tomorrow. And unfortunately for your grandkids, we have a 120 year petroleum based infrastructure. our who lives depend on it. And hell, it’s in everything. That road we came in on. The wheels on every car including yours. It’s in tennis rackets, lipsticks, refrigerators, antihistamines, Pretty much anything plastic. Your cell phone case. artificial heart valves, any kind of clothing that’s not made of animal or plant fibers. Soap, f****g hand lotion, garbage bags, fishing boats, you name it. Every f****g thing. And you know what the kicker is? We’re going to run out of it before we find it’s replacecment.”

(After a rattlesnake encounter with Rebecca)

Tommy: “Are you coming back to the truck or are you gonna wait here for a mountain lion?”

(About Angela)

Ainsley: “I’m sorry about that, daddy.”

Tommy: “I’d warn you about the company you keep but she does have custody.”

(With Angela before sex)

Angela: “You don’t miss this? We used to do this an hour everyday.”

Tommy: “If we could do this an hour everyday and you disappear for the other 23 it might work.”

(After a deposition with Rebecca)

Tommy: “I just want to talk. About you. The weather and s**t.”

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(At the bar watching Dan with a prostitute)

Tommy: “Hey Dan. How is the wife? Is she still going through her chemo? What? Y’all quit policing the wildlife around here? I swear Barney is a trust fund kid because he sure as hell don’t want a tip.”

Prostitute: “What the f**k did I do to you?”

Tommy: “Don’t come over here. If you’re gonna sell your a**. Do it over there.”

Prostitute: “I have an open tab”

Tommy: “I don’t give a s**t.”

(later)

Tommy: “She chose a shortcut, which is always the longest road. Hell, it wasn’t any different in Tombstone, Doge City, or San Francisco. First come the dreamers. Then the bankers. Then the salesmen. Then the sharks. Then the desperate. then the thieves.”

(After the cartel visits)

Dale: “DEA really have a satellite above our field?

Tommy: “Hell no, Dale, I made that s*** up.”

(At the family Italian dinner)

Tommy: “I’m gonna grab a beer. Dale you want one?”
Angela: “You’re gonna drink beer?”
Tommy: “I can’t drink wine.”
Angela: “Why not?”
Tommy: “Cause I’m an alcoholic.”
Angela: “When did they stop fermenting beer, Mr. Alcoholic?”
Tommy: “It’s low alcohol beer. They start making low alcohol wine, I’ll drink the s**t out of it.”

Tommy: “How was my day? I stood out in the hundred degree heat all day staring at f****g oil pumps and gauges, until the cartels showed up and demand we pay them back for the drugs they lost on our lease to the tune of $30 million dollars. Guess how they took it when I said no? My hemorrhoid finally burst. It’s amazing how 80 miles of gravel road will work through one of those pesky ones.”

(Telling Cami why he’s back with Angela)

Tommy: “What can I tell you, our first divorce was so much fun we thought we’d try it again.”

Cami: “She can come in the house.”

Tommy: “No, she’s got to go break up with her husband.”

(Getting revenge for the Cooper ambush)

Tommy: “That’s what I do to people that hurt my family. You f*****d with the wrong hillbilly. I’m going to take 30 years of your life away from you. And if you ever come back here I’m going to take the rest of it.”

(Talking to the cartels)

Tommy: “You think your boss is the big man? You don’t have any idea who the big man is. But you’re getting close to meeting him.”

(To Angela)

Tommy: “If you ever had any doubt that I love you, the fact that I’m not straddling you and choking the life out of you, is proof.”

(Rescuing Ainsley from a boy)

Tommy: “No man alive is allowed to lay on top of my daughter.”
Ainsley: “Call me tomorrow.”
Tommy: “Don’t you dare f*****g call her tomorrow. I hope you get married some day and have a daughter that is hotter than a two dollar Rolex.”

Tommy: “This is how you introduce yourself to the town. By f*****g the quarterback in the back of his truck?”

Ainsley: “How did you know he’s a quarterback?”

Tommy: “Everyone knows he’s the quarterback! Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, I wanted a chimpanzee. You know why I wanted one? I wanted to dress him up in a little sailor suit and a little western outfit like all the s**t that you see on TV. Well, I grew up and realized that what they really f*****g do is rip your nuts out and bite half of your f****g face off and throw s**t at you. You know what I mean?

Ainsley: “No.”

Tommy: “Well. Listen. Fathers and daughters need to live by a code. You tell me you’re a virgin until the day you die and if you have kids you tell me you’re artificially inseminated. And if you can do that for me, I’ll pay for college, the BMW, the little apartment and all that s**t.”

(Talking to the National Guard)

Tommy: “Well, don’t y’all go on long hikes and s**t like that? Can’t you do that out here?”

Tommy: “S**t you can build whatever the f**K you want out there. You can put in a Starbucks as far as I’m concerned.”

(About “Bible study”)

Tommy: “Well, abstinence means don’t f**K. Only I’m not tell you that. That is a direct command from God. God is telling you don’t f**k my daughter.”

(At the paella dinner)

Tommy: “So every time I want a scoop of that s**t, I gotta stand up? I don’t want to stand up at all. I want a f***** plate and I want to scoop some s**t on to it and f*****g eat it like a human being. You know in Afghanistan they sit on the floor in a f****g circle and eat with their hands. We gonna do that next week?”

(At breakfast with Nate)

Tommy: “Well, grown men shouldn’t eat s**t with cartoon characters on it.”

(At the patch)

Tommy: “Good and bad don’t factor into this Rebecca. Our great grandparents built a world that runs on this s**t. And if we don’t feed it, it stops. There is an alternative. You can throw your phone away and trade that Mercedes away for a bicycle or a horse and start hunting for your food and living in at tent. But you’ll be the only one and it won’t make a difference. Plus, I heard the moral high ground gets really windy at night.”

(To close out season one)

Tommy: “You better run buddy. They kill coyotes around her.”

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