The Studio is a blast, and a hilarious love letter to those who don’t just love movies but appreciate that the actual process can make for a great comedy.

I’ve compiled these quotes for you. I hope you enjoy them!

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(After hearing about a party from a director)
Matt: “Hey, Quinn. Was I invited to some Charlize Theron party this weekend?”

Quinn: “No, why would Charlize Theron invite you to her party.”

(About the industry)

Matt: “If it was up to me, we’d be focused on making the next Rosemary’s Baby or Annie Hall or you know, some great film that wasn’t directed by a f****** pervert.”

Quinn: “Turns out perverts make great movies.”

Matt: “They really do.”

(Meeting in the lobby)

Sal: “Hey. Do I smell? I didn’t go home last night.”

Matt: “Yes. You really smell like vodka.”

Sal: “Oh, just vodka. That’s fine. I got s**t faced with Pedro Pascal last night.”

(Talking to Matt about the job)

Griffin: “I’ve heard that you are really into artsy fartsy filmmaking bulls***t. That you’re obsessed with actors and directors liking you rather than being obsessed with making the studio as much money as possible.”

(seconds later)

Griffin: “I don’t want anyone else to hear this. But I am very close to closing the deal to get the rights to Kool-Aid. And I’m talking a huge four quadrant version of it.”

Matt: “Kool-Aid? The red drink. The guy who breaks through walls and says ‘Oh Yeah’?”

Griffin: “If Warner Bros can make a billion f***** dollars off of the t**s of a p*ssiless doll, we should be able to make two billion dollars off the legacy brand of Kool-Aid. Can you make that happen?”
Matt: “Oh yeah..”

(In a meeting)

Tyler: “We can get Mr. Beast to put a bunch of people in a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid and see how long they can hold their breath for money.”

Matt: “What made Barbie stand out in the market place?”
Tyler: “Famous white people.”
Matt: “Kinda..”

Maya: “Oh f**k me. You want to make a fancy Kool-Aid movie? Why? Nobody even watches the Oscars anymore. Did Mario Brothers win an Oscar?”

(Over drinks)

Mitch: “You want Wes Anderson to direct the f*****g Kool Aid movie? He’s going to think I’m crazy. He’s going to fire me over Zoom from Lichestein or wherever the f**k he is.”

Mitch: “Barbie is ten thousand million times the better IP. Because people love Barbie. Barbie’s hot. People want to f*** Barbie. Ain’t nobody trying to f**k the Kool Aid man, dude. He doesn’t even have an a##hole. There is no way to f**k the Kool Aid man. Am I wrong?”

Sal: “Martin Scorsese is pitching you a movie this week. Take the easy ‘W'”
Mitch: “Listen to your Jew.”

(Pitch meeting)

Nick: “Kool Aid man is a logo in a world full of logos. He’s friends with Jello and Chef Boyardee. They go to the bar to hang with Velveeta.”

Sal: “I hope this doesn’t sound crass. But I feel like I’ve just been double stuffed by Walt Disney and Aaron Sorkin.”

(After another pitch meeting)

Matt: “I did it! I did it! I got Martin Scorsese to direct the Kool-Aid movie!”

Sal: “What about Stoller? I’m making a deal with him.”

Matt: “Tell him to get f****d! I got a real filmmaker!”

Sal: “Consider him f*****d!”

(Breaking the news)

Matt: “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. Quentin Tarantino directed a fun cool movie about a real cult massacre that made $377 million dollars and won Oscars. Or can Sony market a movie better than you?”

Maya: “You know what Sony had? The holy f***** trinity. Leo, Brad, Margot. Who do you have?”

(Marketing meeting)

Maya: “Okay. Steve Buscemi is the absolute worse f*****g scenario. Either they know his face but they have no idea what his name is. He is not good for business.”

Matt: “He is quite literally one of the greatest actors alive.”

Maya: “If he walked in this room I would splay him on this table and f**k him to death. He does not have the clout to carry a franchise like Kool Aid.”

(Watching a teaser video)

Matt: “What the f**k am I watching.”

Maya: “Its a teaser a*****e.”

Matt: “A teaser for what?”

Maya: “How the f**k do I know. That’s your job.”

(In his office)

Griffin: “And he’s doing the zay zay, right?”

Griffin: “We got red, yellow, green. It ain’t white. Right? (points to Tyler and Quinn) We got you brother! You too sister!”

(At her house)

Patty: “Oh I give 40 years of my life to this studio and this dime store Bob Evans, Griffin Mill, comes in and wants to put his stamp on the place like he’s urinating on a hydrant.”

Patty: “No exclusivity! Those people railed me! They railed me raw, Matty!”

Patty: “I killed one of Warren’s movies in 88’. He never slept with me again.”

Matt: “I have that same fear with Marty.”

(At Charliez Theron’s party)

Martin Scorseses: “I saw that look. I saw that look. It was furtive.”

Martin Scorsese: “Just give me my movie and let me go sell it to Apple, like I should have done in the first place.”

Charliez Theron: “Get the f**k out of here”

Steve Buscemi (boo-semee): “And to think, we’re going to be making Martin Scorsese’s last movie.”

(On the set on a high stakes shot)

Patty: “Sal, you are as worthless as a single sock.”

Sal: “You know Patty, you were a lot nicer when you were an alcoholic.”

(Sunlight disappearing and costing a big shot)

Patty: “Bring in the joint now!!!”
…

Sarah Polley: “Hey. Are you a Rolling Stones fan?”

Matt:Yeah, I met Mick Jagger once…

Sarah Polley: “I thought ‘You can’t always get what you want’ would be so great over this shot”
…

(About Matt)

Patty: “I want Mr. Magoo gone!”

Patty (to Sal): “Now you will get Matty and make him leave, or I will send TMZ the video of you freestyel rapping at my birthday party. The one with the “n word”.

(Between scenes)

Matt: “Everyone loves a bookend!”

Patt: (to Matt) “Literally, the only reason anyone on this set is talking to you is to get something from you”

(After ruining a shot)

Grip: “Car blocking the driveway. Old convertible. Custom plates STD HEAD”

Matt: “That’s studio head not STD head! Oh s**t it’s both! It’s mine! I’m trying to support women! I can’t support women If I’m not here!”

Sarah Polley: “Support me from anywhere on earth except here!”

(Getting ready for a screening for a Ron Howard movie)

Sal (about ‘A Beautiful Mind’): “When you realized Paul Bettany is imaginary, that is a plot twist. F**k M. Night Shyamalan.”

Maya: “Then we got Dave Franco. He’s going to line up those ladies moister than an oyster.”

Matt: “He actually has a reputation for being very nice and humble but I’ve heard from you know, sources, that he’s like a mean vindictive a** hole.”

Maya: “Does he get mean sometimes? Does Opie get mean sometimes?!”

(After Matt flaked to Ron Howard)

Maya: “Look at his p***y a** face. He didn’t say s**t.”

Matt; “I detected it was not prudent.”

Maya: “We literally need this movie to work. I can’t sell this…Never ending story. (snorts) Nailed it.”

(After everybody flaked to Ron Howard)

Patty: “This job is such a daily kick in the ovaries.”

Patty: “Sly Stallone thought the Demolition Man was an allegory about masculinity and modernism in battle. Was it? It was a 150 minute commercial for Taco Bell.”

Maya: “He should not be burdening audiences with his catharsis. Go to therapy and save us 45 minutes of f*****g run time.”

Matt: “He lights me up in front of the whole f****g crowd. He’s like what a dumb f******g note you f******g clown. How dare you suggest something so stupid you dumb mother f*****r?”

Sal: “Ron Howard called you a mother f****r?”
Matt: “Ron Howard called me a mother f****r. To my face man. And all of my favorite filmmakers are up there. And they’re eating this s**t up man. Ron is crushing with this s**t. Steven Soderbergh is slapping his leg guffawing. Joel Coen is chuckling his f*****g t**s off.”

(Who also flaked to Ron Howard and also hates the scene)

Anthony Mackie: (to Matt asking Ron to cut the scene) “Grab your balls and go in there and do it! Look! You make s*****y movies I’m here to save your career!”

Maya: “Theaters do not want movies that long unless they’ve got capes or aliens.”

Sal: “Griffin is going to murder all of us.”

Anthony Mackie: “I’m going to murder someone! I’ve got backend on this s**t.”

Maya: “Who gives a s**t if Ron Howard hates you. He is going to be high key kissing your f****g ball sack if this thing is a hit.”

Anthony Mackie: “Ten toes down. Slim pimpin hoes. Slamming Cadillac doors. I don’t give a f**k. I’m doing it with you.”

(After finally telling Ron to cut the scene)

Matt: “Your dead cousin deserves much better than to be honored in the form of a f*****g boring movie man.”

Ron Howard: “You lame a** idiot.”

Matt: F*** you, you f*****g bald prick!”

(After making up)

Ron Howard: “Oh and Matt. Cross me again and I’ll f****g destroy you.”

(Going to find a missing reel)

Sal: “I’m going to walk in on you f*****g a reel of film one day. You’re going to have your d**k in the little hole right there.”

(About Olivia Wilde after a reel of film went missing)

Fred the PA: “She’s gone full Fincher this week. She made Zac do 40 takes putting on a hat. It was f*****g nuts.”

(Stalling while Matt sneaks around in Zac Efron’s trailer)

Sal: “Who’s directing this film? Quentin Tarantino?”

Zac: “Yeah, I wish.”

(At the secret wrap party)

Zac: “I’m technically not available for reshoots, so I hope you find it or you’re f****d

(After Olivia Wilde is revealed to be the thief because she didn’t like the shoot)

Olivia Wilde: “Efron should have a machine gun. He shouldn’t have a stupid little handgun. It’ll be way more bad a**. I mean it’s Scarface.

Olivia Wilde: (To Matt) “I can’t let you destroy my masterpiece!”

Matt: “It’s Chinatown. It’s just a rip off of Chinatown.”

(Talking about ‘Wink’ a ‘Smile’ knockoff)

Sal: “Wink is not an A24 movie. Okay? It’s not for a bunch of pansexual mixologist living in Bedstuy. This is a wide release for normal American people who like movies. If a scary Smile movie can gross over $200 million, imagine what a scary Wink movie could do.”

(Handing Matt a phone)

Petra: “It’s Johnny Knoxville.”

Matt: “Knox Knox mother f****r… Oh, I’ll hold for Johnny Knoxville.”

(Getting rejected by his daughters)

Sal: “You know, I cancelled a meeting with Eli Roth to be here.”

Skye: “Who?”

(Trying to steer Matt after Quinn sabotaged their appointment)

Sal: “This guy just needs five minutes of your time. Give me five minutes. You can still meet Hemsworth..”

Matt: “Oh yeah, I’ll just tell Chris to sit around on with his giant Australian thumb up his f*****g a**.”

Parker Finn; “Not personal? What do you mean it’s not personal? You guys are asking me to rip off my own f*****g movie. Okay?”

(After getting stood up a second time)

Parker Finn: “F**k this place! I’m going back to Paramount!”

(In the parking lot)

Quinn: “You’re going to throw a burrito at a young woman?”

(Appealing for his job)

Sal: “I have two daughters and they are not smart and they are not talented and I’m going to have to bankroll their lives.”

(Getting invited to his doctor girlfriend’s gala)

Matt: “I love doc talk. I’ve seen Patch Adams 12 times.”

(Ducapacolpyse trailer)

Josh Hutcherson: “I got dooked. Does this mean I’m going to die.”

Johnny Knoxville: “We all gotta die sooner or later”

Maya: “Heartland theater owners are refusing to show this because of the diarrhea explosion”

Sal: “This is a movie where zombies infect other people with their diarrhea, how the f**k else are we supposed to sell this, Maya”

Johnny Knoxville (IRL): “Are we losing the point of this film in the comedy? We made a dark satire about medical information and I don’t want that to get lost.”

Matt; “It’s a very deep and complex film but I want that diarrhea explosion in the trailer.”

(At the doctor party)

June: “So, I assume you watch Entourage religiously. Or is it like too close to home to enjoy?”

Matt: (on the phone) “These people are a lot less sophisticated than I thought they would be. They don’t even know who Spike Jonze is.”

Matt (stealing the auction) “$200,000 dolllars!!!!!!!!!! Yes! You’re welcome! I f*****g hate cancer!”

Matt (to Steve and Josh): “Don’t call me a dumb f**K because you are perhaps the most boring person I’ve ever met in my life.”

Josh: “Back off!”

Matt: “I will not be told to back off by a man dressed like Jimminy Cricket.”

(Pointing to the plaque)

Matt: “Gigli is on that mother f****r! Gigli!”

(Getting hauled off in the ambulance)

Matt: “You know what will be on the wall of that room when I get there? A screen.”

(Talking about casting for the Kool-Aid movie)

Quinn: “I still think Tracy Morgan would have been so funny. ‘Who’s thirsty. Somebody’s getting pregnant!”

Maya: “I’m starting to think that casting Ice Cube as the Kool-Aid man could be potentially problematic.”

Sal: “You know, I always thought something like this would happen to me. I’m the whitest mother f****r in this room.”

Matt: “Do you think that its weird in any shape or form that the Kool Aid man is being voiced by a person of …Ice Cube.”

Quinn: “I’ve never really though of Koo-Aid as a Black person drink. It’s a poor person drink.”

Tyler; “Honestly, if you didn’t cast a Black man as Kool-Aid, that would be more racist.”

Lil Rey Howery: “Well, it’s bad if you’re implying that a Black woman is not good enough to be with a successful Black man like Kool-Aid.”

Maya: “You want ‘who’s the father’ questions coming up? We might as well burn a cross at Comic-Com.”

Matt: “We Black Panther this s**t”

Matt:(to the writers) “So in an attempt to not be racist, you’re limiting how many Black people you can write for?”

Quinn: “Now that they’re all Black, its kinda like you’re saying that Kool-Aid is only for Black people.”

Sal: “Okay, round up, half an Asian, Quinn, f**k.”

Matt: “Do we need Jewish representation in the film? Should we cast Josh Gad?”

Sal: “Oh, f**k. A white Hispanic. Two birds, one stone. Anya Taylor Joy.”

Ice Cube: “The Kool-Aid man is black. He white. He ain’t no Mexican. He Black. I’m the mother f****n Kool-Aid man.”

(At the Golden Globes)

Mitch: “Zoe (Kravitz) as a vampire assassin in a black bodysuit holding a red glock dipped in holy water, is cash money b***h.”

Erin Moriarty (Starlight) to Anthony Starr (Homelander): “I mean..You’re wearing a cape.”

Sal: “I feel like I’m on cocaine. So, I’m going to go do a little bit of cocaine.”

Zoe Kravitz: (After discovering Matt tried to change her speech) “And you thought I would say whatever is on the teleprompter like I’m f*****g Ron Burgundy?”

Zoe Kravitz: “I’m already rich. I’m already famous. Winning awards is the only thing I have left.”

Aaron Sorkin: “When I look back on my career, there are far too many people to thank for one speech. So, I’ll whittle it down. Thank you, Sal Saperstein.”

Ted Sarandos: (Netflix boss on how he gets stars to thank him) “It’s contractual. No, I force them to. They literally have to thank me.”

(About the lady he just bought shrooms from)

Matt: “Its a nutritionist that Dave Franco introduced me to.”

(After finding out Amazon is trying to buy Continental)

Matt: “They just bought MGM, isn’t that enough for those mother f*****s?”

(Frank’s note, Encino Man came out in 92′)

Quinn: “So, you’re telling me, they just freeze a caveman logic without any logic? These 80s comedies, they’re all so coked up that just anything goes.”

Matt: “If you even begin to suggest that Encino Man is anything other than a masterpiece I’m firing you from this company.”

(Watching Griffin get f****d up with Dave Franco)

Patty: “Its disgusting. And I’m someone who did lines off of Kevin Spacey’s toilet”

Maya: “Yeah, I think someone has to tell Captain Underpants that he needs to pull the brakes because it doesn’t look professional. It’s not professional” (hits a blunt).

(Partying)

Dave Franco (to Zoe Kravitz): “I’m going all night straight into the prez (sensation). Maybe win a little money at the tables ‘Now You See Me’ style”

Dave Franco (again to Zoe Kravitz after she mistakenly ate shroom chocolate) “You just had 21 grams of shroooooms! Good luck, Zoe! You got this! Ride the wave baby!!!!”

Patty: “Hey! Hey! Hey! I just went into the back bedroom to make a phone call and found Zoe Kravitz crawling on the rug and talking to an imaginary baby. What happened?”

Dealer (talking to a high Griffin Mill): “Sir, you can’t bet a lobster. Chips only.”

(Watching Griffin melt down on the fountain)

Patty: “We don’t need him. He looks like my niece at Coachella.”

Quinn: “We ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ him!”

(In the bathroom with Griffin)

Patty: “Sal, are you okay in there?”

Sal: “No, I’m not Patty, I’m having to stuff my boss’ d**k inside his Speedo and it’s taking forever because he’s freaking huge.”

Griffin (after being given some cocaine to get him up for the presentation) “Lets do this!!!”

Zoe Kravitz (as Nightwing) “Where is Zoeeeeee!!!!!”

Tyler: “Why is everybody on drugs but me?”

(Presentation time)

Sal (threatening Nick Stoller): “Let me tell you something right f*****g. You walk and I swear on my f*****g balls, Kool-Aid 2 will be directed by mother f*****g Shawn Levy.”

Zoe Kravitz (before going on stage): “No, it doesn’t matter. We’re skin sausages.”

Zoe Kravitz (hyping up Matt but still high) “You got this. You’re a Black Jewish queen. You’re Zoe Kravitz.”

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I hope you enjoyed “The Studio” as much as I did. This is fun but also a lot of work. Please support the blog and thanks for reading!