This week’s new Abbott Elementary was a laugh per minute gold mine. I’m just going to get out of the way and give you the best quotes we heard this week on “Festival”.

Barbara: (on Draymond) “Every student is special. And you have to give them your best. And you hope that they will carry it with them. But at the end of the day, they have to decide what to be. And this one decided to be a jackass.”

Tariq: *Rapping* “No gonorrhea but you going to get clapped.”

Tariq: *Rapping* “Abbott on Abbott on Abbott. That booty big. So I’m going to grab it.”

Tariq: “Put your fist in the air. This is a powerful symbol. This is universal for…. We will fight y’all”

Ava: “My lies don’t discriminate.”

Mr Johnson: “Turn around. I gotta wand you, son.”
Parent: “Is that a curling iron?”

Gregory: It’s like going to see Paramour without Hailey Williams
Janine: There are other people in that band?

Ava: This is going to be the best show in Philly since Dru Hill sold out the Wachovia Center in 03. He was three hours late but Sisqo did like 30 backflips.

Ava: “A.V.A Festival is about the kids!”

Mr. Johnson: “I have three fourths of what I think is a treasure map.”

Jacob: ” We did a lot of hostel takeovers in Peru. Get it?”

Ava: No Idea is too stupid to pitch.
Ava: *moments later* In a weird turn of events I was wrong. Please only pitch good ideas.

Ava: *Addressing the faculty* “Plan A didn’t work out. So I turn to you. The plan Bs”

Janine: Which job did you interview for?
Ava: Chief Marketing Officer Legendary Schools

Ava: “You know the saying? Finest one in. First one out.”

Janine: *Gathering petitions* “Dont’ go this will only take 27 minutes of your time.”

Barbara: “This is a fool’s errand”
Melissa: “Makes sense. Cause we were sent by a fool.”
Janine: “Hey”

Janine: “I explained to Crystal.”
Melissa: “The one with the Bitch tatoo?”

Melissa: I wouldn’t sign anything I handed me.

Erica: (to Gregory) “Mr. It was a Whoopsie”

Melissa: “Quit stapling things to the kids!”

Petition Parent: I’m not into saving the whales.
Janine: Me niether I dont’ get the hype.
Petition Parent: I don’t believe in climate change either.
Janine: “Alarming.”

Jacob: “Si se puede!

Jacob: “I’m not loved by all of the parents except the one that called me Stuart Little”

Jacob: “My night terrors have spread into day terrors.”

Crystal: “Take my email its S-L-U”

Janine: “I’m great at canvassing. People always open the door for me because they think I’m a lost child”

Jacob: “Times New Roman. The most decisive of all the fonts.”

Barbara: “What in the Lee Daniels! ..Legendary Schools presents Abbott Charter?”

Jacob: “Siri, who is Lee Daniels.”

If you enjoy reading these Abbott quotes, help me out below. Even a dollar helps. Thank you!