The best lines from “Mall”

Guillermo: Is making the burrow dumber and dumber.
Nandor: We live in Staten Island no one will notice.

Nandor: “We have forgotten his birthday.”
Nadja; “Ohhh, yesssss”
Lazlow: “I really don’t think its about his birthday. And if it is… What a b***”

Nandor: “We are taking you to dinner. Change into your nicest s***** sweater and meet us at the restaurant.”

Colin Robinson: “Hey folks. My name is Colin. I’ll be your server this evening. Has your whole party arrived?”
Lazlow: “Nope. Tonight, Gizmo rides up on an Uber.”
Colin Robinson: “Okay, they’re really not supposed to seat you until your entire party arrives. Can I ask you to go stand in the crowded alcove where all the cigarette smoke comes in?”

Nadja: “When I was running the vampire nightclub, I may have gotten too much into the liquor blood. And then one night I got so s*** off my faced, that I sat on my dolly and I minced her legs with my wagon.”

Guillermo: “Have you done this before.”
Derek: “Uhhh, yeah, dozens of times, many dozens of times.”
Guillermo: “Derek?”
Derek: “No. Have you? Why doesn’t Andy just do this?”
Guillermo: “Who?”
Derek: “Your master?”
Guillermo: “You mean Nandor?”
Derek: “Uh, okay. That clears up so much for me. I kept thinking ‘a vampire named Andy? That’s so random.”

(Approaching the mall)

Nandor: “What is this thing called mallll. I thought it was a myth. A rumor. A fairytale made up by an insane child.”

Nandor: “Ring me up. (hypnotizing cashier) “Also, I would like you to ring me up these special coupons.”
Cashier: “Yes, I will honor this coupon for an oil change that expired 18 years ago and also this one which is just a cut out of Ryan Seacrest from a magazine.”

Lazlow: “Malls are fascinating places, full of fascinating things. That’s a baby village. Makes sense to keep them all in one place. That’s called London shoes, now if they really were from London, they’d be covered in s***. Bikini warehouse. Must be a front for a brothel.

Perfume saleswoman: “Would you like to sample our…”
Lazlow: “No f*** off. Can’t be tempted by cheap sex potions.”

The best lines from “A night out with the guys”

Lazlow: “My point being is that I can wander about these humans without having to resort to hypnosis. I’m a student of the human condition. A psychological chameleon, one might say.

Lazlow mocking Nandor: “Which makes it doubly embarrassing when you say dumb s*** like “I’m a vampire. I’ve lived for 2000 years. I like to suck on the blood. Oh s*** I f***** up. I’ll now have to hypnotize the who f***** world.’”

Nandor: “I don’t do that”
Lazlo: “You do do that”
Nanodor: “You just said do do”
Lazlo: “Touche”

Lazlo: “Hypnosis seems to be Nandor’s solution to every problem. And as a fellow vampire, I find this artless and even embarrassing.”

(Happy they made Kristen Schaal a regular!)

The Guide: “I know its hard to break into a vampire clique.” “They never invited me to live in the house. Apparently they’re not allowed to have a fifth vampire here according to some zoning regulation I never heard of.”

Nandor: “Yes. Wine is very cool.”

The Guide: “Curses are just supernatural excuses people make for being losers. Hexes on the other hand, that’s a real thing.”

(After the guys break the bar’s front window)

Lazlo: “Sorry for the ruckus, Jimmy”
Bar manager (female): “Not my name.”
(later)…
Lazlo: “Maybe you all should apologize to Jimmy.”
Bar manager (still female) “Not my name”

(after stealing a police car)
Lazlo: “Drive on mother****as”

(Nadja in Little Antipaxos)

Nadja: “So much cheap crap and old fish. It’s like looking out of the window of my childhood.”

Nadja: “Look! This is the beach of Potomi (spelling questionable). I tried to lose my virginity here so many times!”

(Walking out of the police station after hypnotizing their way out)

Nandor: “Just for funsies I told them I was Captain Sully Sullenberger and you were the gentlemen from with the mustache in the cop show that you like.”
Lazlow: “Thomas Selleck in Blue Bloods”
Nandor: “That’s it!”

Lazlow: “Gizmo, I need a word with you. Coppers F****** off.”
Cop’s voice: “Thank you, Mr. Selleck”

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