(At Sean and Charmaine’s campaign strategy meeting for Comptroller)

Nandor the Relentless: “Typically, the best move in a situation like this is to identify your opponents and then slaughter them in their sleep”

Sean: “Yeah..heh, heh, I wish. But we just got to get the most votes”

Nandor: “Sean. What has this got to do with us? We are very busy. A little bird recently flew into my room and I have been trying to make it my friend.”

(Later)

Lazlo: “I like what you have been saying. It has been very entertaining but for just two second, shut the f*** up. I know why you’re here. You want to us to Grand Marshall your gay parade. That’s a thumbs up. You want to start your gay parade on our front lawn. That’s two thumbs up. And what are those vehicles called? They are all brightly colored. Very jolly.

Nandor: “Ohhhh, you mean chariots, dragging the corpses of your vanquished foes.”

Charmaine: “We call them floats”

Nandor: “The corpses float also”

Charmaine: “The firefighter wives have volunteered to make a big float for us.”

Lazlow: “Really? Tell those wives to get f*****. I’m going to make the float. It’s going to be the most fantastic thing you’ve ever seen.”

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(Nadja, Doll with the spirit of a deceased human Nadja inhabiting it, The Guide conversing together)

Doll: “Well, I suppose the loss of my dolly body has got me thinking about my old human body I never got to use it… Fully”

Nadja: “Huh?”

Doll: “I never got to experience carnal pleasure.”

Nadja: “What?”

The Guide: “I think what she is saying is that she’s a virgin.”

Doll: “Nailed it”

Nadja: “How can you be a virgin? Your spirit is identical to my own and (smiles to the camera) I am definitely not a virgin.”

(later)

Nadja: “What about Jonas the Mule Dancer”

Doll: “Strictly hands stuff”

(Confessional)

Nandor: “I personally value qualities that cannot be taught. Courage. Relentlessness. Being tall.”

(Experimenting on Guillermo)

Lazlow: “How can I put this? The boy is…..f***** up.”

Lazlow: “Patient is running at human speed. Below human speed.”

(At the seance)

The Guide: “Tonight is know as Friday. Otherwise known in spiritual circles as “Freaky Friday” and we are allowed to swap your souls.”

Nadja: “That’s really how that works?”

The Guide: “Yeah”

(Later)

Doll in Najda’s body: “So. Who wants to have a bite of this beef salad?”

(Everbody talking in the living room)

Lazlow: “Vampires. What’s the first thing that comes into your head? Anybody.”

The Guide: “They tend to form insular social units and not let perceived outsiders join the group.”

Lazlow: “Like I said. What do we know about vampires.”

Nandor; “Vampires always go soft after two pumps. It’s a classic vampire thing” (everyone shakes their head)

(At speed dating)

Doll with Najda’s spirit: “So I decided there no better place to find some piping hot strange than speed dating”

Nadja Doll: “Hello everyone! I’m a virgin.”

Nadja Doll: “How do you feel about taking the virginity of a dead ghost. It’s your lucky night.”

(Doing vampire experiments)

Nandor: “Have I technically flow to outer space. No. But there is no reason I couldn’t. I don’t have to breathe oxygen or any s*** like that. So yeah. I did not lie.”

Lazlo: “I need three gallons of your sweat for science.”

(Colin Robinson preparing to hook up with Doll Najda)

Colin Robinson: “Mind if I put on some music to set the mood?” (begins playing “Ants Go Marching” By Dave Matthews Band)

Colin Robinson: “Daddy likee what daddy likee”

Colin Robinson: “There is no way I was going to tap that”

(Nandor and Guillermo talking)

Nandor: “It is not intelligence that got man to outer space. It was brute strength and gumption.”

(Flying space)

Nandor: “I’m getting lightheaded. Oh it’s a f****** plane. Hi plane!

Nandor: “I’m in outer space! F*** you Lazlow. F*** Guillermo. I’m in outer space!”

(What did I miss?! Let me know in the comments below! See you next week!)

ALSO: The best quotes from “Mall” and “A Night Out with the Guys HERE

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