Abbott Elementary is back! Hooray for the opening of the third campaign of one of the best comedies and television. And this season, I”m not letting any of the humor go to waste.

We’re doing the best quotes from season 3. This is going to be a living post, so check back often to see what gems Quinta Brunson writes for us!

Ava (to the documentary crew): “You want me to tell you what happened to you? Oh, right. Tell the people. So, they got robbed. Because they thought it would be cute to walk around West Philly at night with all of this camera equipment. Hell, I’d had helped robbed you if I was there. Anyways. Here we are five months later, because this is how long it takes three people with art degrees to save up for new cameras. Welcome back!

Ava: (recapping the time jump) “Yep. I went to Harvard his summer. I sat right there on their campus and I used their free wi-fi to get my degree in education via education connection.”

Barbara: “Ava, I’ve already told you I’m not interested in auditioning for The Golden Bachelorette. Gerald is still very much alive.”

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Gregory: (to Janine) “Oh, there is a ten for ten sale at nickel school supply by the way.”
Janine: “Oh F*** yeah!”
Gregory: (startled look)
Janine: “Trying out cursing. Still getting the hang of it.”

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Jacob (to Ava): “According to our textbooks, we haven’t even pulled out of Iraq yet”

Ava (greeting a child on the first day of school) “Boy, you lucky. Last year’s Ava would have roasted you for looking like Adam Sandler at a pick up game. Adam Sandler at a wedding. Adam Sandler at the Oscars. Now, go to class!”

Gregory: “Ava is literally gate keeping when I can use the garden. She put a padlock on my kumquats.”

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Janine: (after hearing about a raise at the district) “Two dollars?! That’s like a million dollars!”

Melissa (talking about Harvard Ava)”Well, we made a plan to solve this Ava problem. We need to like reset her. We looked for a button. There wasn’t one.”

Ava: (refusing a forced advance from Gregory): “Put your arms away, Jeremy Allen Black. This is a school” (Jeremy Allen White is the star of “The Bear”)

Ava: (being tricked into dancing): “No..No…Not today, Juvenile”

Janine (at career day) “Happy Career Day, Ava”

Ava: “There is no such thing has a happy career. To work is to lose at life.”

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Jalen Hurts, Quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles: (to Janine) “Hey little girl! Look at you dressed up for career day.”

Janine: “Good one, Jalen Hurts”

Barbara (to Tariq and the child of a woman he is dating) “To quote Maury Povich. ‘you are not the father’.

Tariq: “And to quote the hip hop legend, Shaquille O’Neal, “His biological didn’t bother”

School District Guy: “‘Taken’ what a fun movie”

Tariq (greeting Barbara and Melissa in the lunchroom): “Hey, Mrs Howard. Hey mean Italian lady.”

Ava (to Janine at the district office asking for favors) “What is the point of having you as my moll..

Janine: I am not your moll

Ava: More like a pimple

Janine (not backing down from her project): “I get it. It’s the district. The big leagues. But I’m the big Teagues..”

Tariq (to his girlfriend’s son): “You know I thought we could watch ‘Set It Off’ later. My dad showed it to me when I was way to young. I thought I would do the same for you”

Gregory: (trying sign language) “I can fill in the gaps” Subtitles: “I can put dirt in holes”.

Barbara: (Slamming Gregory for bad dating advice to the students) “Gregory Eddie, is no woman safe from your incompetence with the opposite sex?”

Mr. Johnson: (Walking a phone call into Gregory’s classroom and hanging up) “You just made me hang up on a Nigerian prince”
Gregory: “Why are you in my classroom?”
Mr. Johnson: “Because it’s the only one that’s not bugged”

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Ava: (Pumping Janine up) “Look, I got our 8th graders a field trip to Gamestop. I let someone bring their pet alligator to school. Ava fest is a fire hazard. I’ve risked everyone’s lives and I will do so again because that’s what we do for our kids.”

Ava: (later that conversation) “I’m in need of assistants”
Janine: “What do you need assistance with?”
Ava: “I need two assistants”
Janine: “Get out”

Tariq (to Barbara after taking her advice) “You know what? Your advice goes harder than that thang Ms. Howard”
Barbara: “You know what? Yes, it does Tariq”

Gregory (outside of school after a fire drill) “My kids are moshing to ‘I’m a little tea pot”

(after catching a student smoking)
Melissa: “Where did you even get a cigarette?”
Ava: “Yeah, what are you? A French child?”
Student: “A man sold them to me for a dollar”
Ava: “A dollar? Inflation is crazy.”

Barbara: “What is the jubi slide”
Jacob: “It’s when you put one foot down and move in the opposite direction”
Barbara: “I do not want to live in a world where white people explain dance moves to me.”

Gregory: (on the defense) “Well.. Janine smokes weed everyday”
*gasps*
Ava: “Damn Afroman!”
Janine: “Nope. Not everyday. Every night.”
Barbara: “Reefer. Ganja. The Devil’s Lettuce”
Mr. Johnson: “That’s why your feet so big”

(passing in the hallway)
Janine: “Hi!”
Student: “Hmmph. Bet you are.”

(Fade Experience)
Slim: “Abbott Elementary two thousand and twenty threeeeeeeeeeee!”
Ava: “It’s 2024”
Slim: “Two thousand and twenty fooooooouuuuur!”

(Slim introducing Caroline the dopest Fade representative alive)
Slim: “Pay attention so you don’t die”

(To Jessca the substitute teacher)
Janine: “First off I want to thank you for substituting. The only thing tougher than teaching is substitute teaching”
Jessca: “I don’t know. I have you ever seen Ice Road Truckers. That ice thin. Those trucks big.”

Mr. Johnson (talking about Jacob and Gregory): “We used to be the Three Musketeers. Now, I’m just one musketeer. And their just two a** holes who don’t invite me to things.”

Ava (after step practice): “Remember practice is more important than homework. And if your teachers disagree, I can and will fire them.”

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Jacob: (Talking about his failing relationship) “I don’t know, its just not working. It’s like a DC movie over here.”

Ava: (talking about Barb’s problems at choir) “What is choir, if not a sorority for the Lord?”

(later)

Ava: “If anyone can appreciate a few more holes in their body, it’s Jesus.”

(later still)

Ava: “I threw together this little recital for Barb because apparently you can’t key a church lady’s car anymore.”

(Before a confrontation)

Melissa: “You know most people calm down over time. I just get angrier and less rational.”

Bradley Cooper (as Bradley Cooper as Rocket Raccoon) : “Are you freaking kidding me? I’m the voice of Rocket Raccoon!”

Ava (to Bradley Cooper): “You look different in person. You don’t look famous.”

Janine (answering a “but”): “Please just one parade without Barbara clouds and Melissa meatballs.

Melissa: “You wish it rained my meatballs.”

Elizabeth Washington (Education CEO): “We already have a hundred school names and mascots already in line for a makeover and the ones that are racist without having to Google are priority.”

(Eyeing the new Willard R. Abbott) Mr.Johnson: “Ask him if the Moon is a spaceship.”

Willard R. Abbott V: “There is no place for racism on this earth from one edge to the other. Now, I don’t claim to know all but I do know that this flat earth is our home… For now.”

(seconds later) Willard R. Abbott V: “And the moon is a spaceship!”

(talking about finances)
Melissa: “Plus, I made that terrible financial decision all those years ago.”
Ava: “Getting divorced?”
Gregory: “Betting on the Sixers?”
Melissa: “.. Becoming a teacher”

(In the library)
Barbara: “Our new librarian is very organized”
Ava: “Yeah.. I don’t like it. I’ll handle it” (seconds later) You think you’re the queen of the school?!”

(Looking at an old photo)
Manny: “Is this Mr. Johnson. Did he play in the Negro Leagues?”
Ava: “Watch your mouth.”

(Listening to Barbara read a book to kindergartners)
Gregory: “Why does she choose to make all of the characters Jamaican?:
Janine: “Just let her cook, Gregory.”

(Talking about Captain Rob)
Barbara to Melisa: “That man wants to socialize with you”
Jacob (Melissa’s roommate here): “I hope so, he at the last of my cereal this morning.”

(Moderating a panel)
Tariq: “The applause is letting me know that’s interesting.”

Ava:”Nobody cares what you say. Just how you say it.”
Gregory: “I care what I say.”
Ava: “Then say it better.”

Gregory: “Don’t say anything at all.”
Ava: “Like asking a swan not to glide.”

(Finding out about Jacob and Avi)
Melissa: “It’s different because we’re roommates and I have to know what goes on under my roof”
Avi: “Or on your roof…”
*Crowd gasps*

(Over reaching on a panel question)
Gregory: “Because if you balance your breakfast…You’ll balance your blessings.”

(after approving the librarian program)

Superintendent Reynolds: “Cause when it’s free. It’s my jam.”

(Students clapping and rhyming)

Girls: “Girls rule. Boys drool. We use too much fossil fuels. Loser, loser, Biden drives a PT Cruiser. No the answer raise your hand we live on native lands. Don’t call me sir. Don’t call me miss. Aliens do exist. He’s too short. She’s too tall. When will this country fall?”

(Waiting at an event)

Ava: “Janine is 10 minutes late, which means she’s 30 minutes late, because I’m always 20 minutes late.”

(Confronting Melisa and Barbara about AI)

Jacob: “Well, isn’t it the Autobots. Or should I say, the Decepticons.”

Ava: “I’m already not enjoying this conversation.”

(Confessional a minute later)

Melissa: “Well, Ava showed me how to do it, then I showed Barbara, to make sure the kids aren’t abusing AI for their work.”

Barbara: “That privilege is reserved for teachers.”

(Next scene)

Jacob: “Do you know how hurtful it is to know that instead of talking to some of my closes companions, I’ve been talking to WALL-E for the last few months?!”

(After Janine announces her promotion)

Ava: “So after formally interviewing 536 candidates, I found the perfect replacement for Janine. She has great fashion sense. Went to Penn State. And says her best skill is creative problem ignoring. I can’t wait until introduce her to the rest of the staff.”

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(Talking about Avafest)

“Pick up the energy people! I don’t want my esteemed friend and pickleball partner, Questlove, to catch a bad vibe at my festival”

(Explaining how she met Questlove)

Ava: “We met at a party in the 2000s. I was dating Allen Iverson. A couple of his groupies were trying to get at me. I’m beating on them and then Questlove walks by and says ‘you have natural rhythm’. A couple of weeks later, we started The Roots.”

Ava: “Well, I quit the band. I almost Yoko Ono’d them.”

Ava: “He called me MC Gillette. Because I am the best a man can get.”

Ava: “I guess it’s just me and Gregory against the world.”
Gregory: “Imma take the world’s side on this one.”

(Frustrated about leaving Abbott)

Janine: “I like my laptop because it’s mobile. You can move. You’re not stuck anywhere. That’s the reason why Steve Jobs made laptops Simon. If I get information and I want to take it somewhere, where do I put it Simon!?”

Simon: “I don’t know Janine. The cloud?”

(Talking about Ava’s book club)

Barbara: “Book club was Ava’s idea. She has become a voracious reader. And Ms. Inez told her she might enjoy discussing them with others. And I love literature and community. Even if she did name it AARB.

Ava: “Ava and her reading b****** going off in the gym tonight.”

Mr. Morton: “This b*** is ready.

Jacob: “I should be that b****”

(Arguing at book club)

Mr. Morton: All I’m saying is that some point cannibalism becomes a caloric necessity.

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Ava: “I see why you didn’t want me to be in charge. You obviously lack reading comprehension skills which explains a lot about this school actually.”

Melissa: “I’d rather die than change my mind. It’s the American way.”

Ava: “Nobody lets me do anything. But here I am doing things. That’s why I’m the leader. Now, who will bend the knee and kiss the wing?”

(To the librarian)

Ava: “You know. You talk a lot for a librarian.”

(Talking about his girlfriend at home, who decided not to come out)

Tariq: “She taking in a red box. And I mean a box of Merlot.”

Tariq: “What is the difference between a BCC and CC, and if someone BCCs me, who can CC that?”

(Making fun of Gregory’s poor beard)

Melissa: “If you were in my second grade class, you’d have the eight best beard.”

(Learning Janine and her sister had different fathers)

Ava: “Of course they do. You thought with that height difference they had the same father? Janine’s dad is probably Kevin Hart or something (cause they’re short).”

(Talking her her mom about Kevin Hart)

Janine: You guys didn’t date or anything?
Janine’s Mom: “Girl, no, I would never. We did f*** though.”

(Scheming)

Ava: “I should have busted out Janine Teagues Elementary. No that’s stupid”
Janine: “I can hear you.”
Ava: “But you can’t stop me”

(At the playground)

Janine: “Alex. Be careful. Your shoes are untied! And he’s down. Oh, he’s back up. He’s runing it off. It’s good.”

(After a dust up with a group of other teachers)

Melissa: “Hey, Morton. Your kids have any problems with these Liberty students today?”

Morton: “I have no idea. I’ve been angrily texting my ex wife all morning. She thinks she should get the grill. What’s a woman going to do with a grill?”

(after finding out the principal of the other school is her sorority nemesis)

Ava: “Okay. Let’s fight these b******.”

(After a relay challenge)

Crystal: “I guess you forgot I was on track team.”
Ava: “Oh, I know you’re a runner”
Jacob: “That’s a Chicago term for a H*”

Ava: “Clear eyes. Full hearts. Sharp elbows. Hip checks. Whatever it takes.”

Crystal: “Lets have a nice clean race.”
Ava: “Clean? Girl, I new you in college.”

(Discovering Gregory and Janine together on the slide)

Ava: (to Morton after hearing his ex used to be a teacher too): “Did you take it to HR? Because when I used to date the other cashier at Coldstone Creamery policy stated if we didn’t report it, they wouldn’t like it or love it, in fact,…they gotta have it…reported to HR. Or it would have been berry, berry, bad.”

(At K to 1st grade graduation)

Ava: “They said you couldn’t do it…”
Barbara: “No, they didn’t!”
Ava:”But look at you now!”

Check back soon for more quotes from Abbott Elementary!

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