July 24, 2024

What We Do In The Shadows: All of the Best Quotes from “The Campaign”

Here are the best lines from this week’s What We Do In The Shadows episode titled “The Campaign”..

(Colin Robinson running for Staten Island Comptroller)

Colin Robinson: “Sean had to bow out of the race because. Apparently, in Staten Island there’s a rule that a candidate can’t have more than nine DUIs. Most Staten Island office holders only have two or three.”

(After making a Jewish friend)
Nandor The Relentless: “I had no idea there were Jews in New York City. Now, I’m proud to call one my friend.”
Guillermo: “That’s great. What’s his name?”
Nandor: “Well, look who’s finally reappeared now that I’m kvelling about my new friend.”
Guillermo: “I’ve been here the whole time.”
Nandor: “If you must know, his name is Alexander. Alexander The Jew.”
Guillermo: “Nope. I don’t think that’s his name.”

(The return of Evie Russell, the emotional vampire Vanessa Bayer)

Colin Robinson: Evie is an emotional vampire. She drains people by feeding off of their emotions.”

Colin Robinson (to Evie) “All all of these years, to me you are perfect, Love Actually 2003, I wish I knew how to quit you, Brokeback Mountain 2005. (hands her a necklace) “I got you this necklace, Titanic 1997.”

Laszlo (meeting Nadja’s friends from Antipaxos) “I am Lazslo. Do you people have names or do you communicate with sticks?”
Nadja: “This is the matriarch of this very important family, Yia Yia
Laszlo (ignores people, shakes dog’s paw) “Yia, Yia, lovely to meet you, I’m sure.”

(At the debate for Comptroller)

Colin Robinson (to the crowd): “You’re clapping for an anarchist.”


Colin Robinson: “Mommy lost her job to an Mmer Ffer machine”
Evie: “A machine that ran over my foot. On a factory floor. How is a machine going to tuck my two sons in to bed, who are full of the dickens, into bed? You think that machine can give my sons their good night kissies? How is that going to work? Bleep bloop bob..mwah. I sure would love to meet that machine and tell it to pay for my medical bills.”

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(At the emergency meeting of the Supreme Council of Energy Vampires)

*Phone chimes*

Council Member: (as another council member struggles with her intercom) “Does someone want to interrupt her at this point and let her know she is completely inaudible”

*Phone chimes*

Energy Vampire Council: (in unison) “All hail bureaucracy!” (Kinda shouting)

(Nandor worrying why Alexander hasn’t called him back)

Guillermo “Master I would do anything for you but I’m not going to circumcise you.”

(Quoting Losing My Religion by REM…Kinda)

Nandor: “Here’s me in the corner. Here’s me in the spotlight at my circumcision.”

Guillermo: “You just can’t get circumcised because you met somebody at the gym”
Nandor: “Guillermo there is no other way. How can two people be friends when they’re so different?”

(On a Zoom rally)

Colin Robinson: “I’m here to fight for you Staten Island and with you my, Colin-izers, I can’t lose!”

(At the gym)

Nandor: “Alexander! Twins!”
Alexander “I got to get out of this f***** city.”

(Appealing to the Antipaxons)

Laszlo: “I can speak 14 languages. As long as they are English. I can play any instrument apart from bagpipes because they sound terrible to everyone.I can fashion any tree or hedge into a v***. In the days before medicine, I survived gonorrhea, chlamydia,the plague, clubfoot, leprosy, black fever, yellow fever….night fever. But most important and I must emphasize this is most important. I am certified master ****sman. To cut this short and get straight to the point, you can all go f*** yourselves.”

Colin Robinson (after Evie won the election): “I was surprised that Evie ran in my place. Only 18 people voted.”

What did I miss? Let me know in the comments below.

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