What We Do In The Shadows: The Best Quotes from Nandor The Relentless

Nandor The Relentless. Our favorite ancient conquerer and lord of Staten Island. As the show draws to an end, we’re going to remember some of the very best quotes of an epic vampire, we’d all be lucky to familiar for.

(At a City Council meeting)

“Greetings mortals. I will make this quick. I Nandor the Relentless. Conquerer of Thousands. Immortal warrior. Who has twiced turned the Euphrates itself red with blood. Hereby demand complete and total supplication of this governing body to my command. Submit and receive mercy. Resist and only death awaits.”

(At a house meeting)

“I must remind everyone that if you’re going to entice someone in the house and you let them live, show them out. Its common courtesy.”

(To Guillermo)

Nandor: “Get me some of that colorful dust that sparkles.”

Guillermo: “Glitter?”

Nandor: “Yes. Get me some glitter.

Guillermo: “Whatever for master?

Nandor: “I want to do something special for the immortal one’s arrival. I’m going to sprinkle it on my face and on my body. Like Twilight.”

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“I was a very ferocious warrior in the Ottoman Empire, which meant a lot of killing. A lot of pillaging. People would say ‘hey please don’t pillage me’ and I would say ‘nooooo, I’m pillaging everyone you included. I was relentless. They would call me Nandor The Relentless. Because I just never relent”

“Guillermo is my familiar. But sometime he is a little too familiar. You know what I mean? He’s just always there.”

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(Guillermo dusting)

“Be careful with the spider house Guillermo. You wouldn’t like it if a spider came along and dusted your house.”

(Sneaking up on a guy walking his dog)

Nandor: “That’s a nice little b**** you’ve got there.”

Guy: “Pardon me?”

Nandor: “A nice little b**** you’ve got there being lead on a leash by a frightened little man. It reminds me on how you are lead around on a leash by the human b**** Barbara Lazaro.”

(To a computer, after finding out it’s in hibernation mode)


“My password is an impenetrable fortress. That’s it an ‘impenetrable fortress.'”


“Vampire sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad it’s good. I’m like ‘why do I have puncture wounds on my p***”

(Trying to get Laslo out of a shelter)

“I want you to bring me the strange bat with an erection”

(To Guillermo)

Nandor: “I want you to get some of those things humans use for smelling. Rhymes with hoses.”

Guillermo: “Noses?”

Nandor: “No. It’s a green spiky stick with the colors on top. You got the red. ‘I Love You'”

Guillermo: “Roses”

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“We drank the blood of some people. But the people were on drugs. And now I’m a wizard.”

(At a government office)

“Government workers are immune to hypnotism. It’s like their souls are dead or something.” *whispering* “I don’t detect any human in them.”

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