If you read this blog you understand one thing.
I know I’m failing at life right now. And when others ask me how I’m feeling or what I think about what is going on, I tell them the truth.
“I’m a failure”
This upsets some people. They say it’s because I’m being too hard on myself but I think it’s because it drops the temperature in the room. It makes them uncomfortable.
But I’m incapable of false enthusiasm right now. Not when I’m one beat away from the street and on many occasions don’t feel safe.
Let me paraphrase a recent conversation I’ve had:
Them: “How are you feeling with all of this?”
Me: “I feel terrible. I’m dealing poorly and I feel like a failure.”
Them: “That’s very strong.”
Me: “Explain to me by any metrics you wish to measure by, how I am not a failure right now.”
Them: “You might be being too hard on yourself.”
Me: “Am I?”
“Is this not what failure looks like?”
“I have no place to go.”
“I have no money.”
“I have no job.”
“I have no car.”
“In what reality is this not a failure?”
You get the picture.
And there is another reason why I can’t accept my position as anything but a failure.
It’s because I don’t want to. This is not okay.
I see people who have made peace with having nothing. That’s not me. It will never be.
So, I’m sorry to those who refuse to validate my negativity but it’s the truth.
I feel as bad as I’ve ever felt. And that feeling is failure.
Dear Readers: Times are tough. You can help out below if you like. If you have any questions, please write me directly at Torres.fjr@gmail.com
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