One of the things that keeps me going through this nightmare is the belief that I still have the ability to be good at something. I do this because when you’ve got nothing, you want to hang on to the smallest bit of self esteem you have left because if you lose it then you forget who you are.
At shelters, we have chores. And even though most of my fellow homeless neighbors just try to get them done, it’s important to me that I do a good job.
That I still try to achieve some kind of excellence with my sad little life.
If I’m wiping down tables. They need to be spotless.
If I’m throwing out trash, they never get anywhere near full.
If I’m organizing, I’m trying to achieve a freakish kind of organization worthy of a Netflix show.
Sometimes it bothers those around me. But I need it. I need to believe that I’m capable of doing something good.
Because a lot of times I don’t believe I can do anything except lose.
And when you’re in shelters you have a lot of time to think, and your failures have a way of seeping into your thoughts. It’s like acid. It hurts and they’re undeniable. You only need to look at your environment for verification.
There was a time when I did good things everyday. When my living was based on excellence. I was an expert. But now I’m not really anything.
Which is why I need reminders that I’m not completely useless. And I need to jump at any opportunity I can to remind myself of that.
Dear Readers: Right now, I have nothing. You can help out below if you like. If you have any questions, please write me directly at Torres.fjr@gmail.com
Next: Read about how my confrontation of failure bothers others HERE